just something so this is an active journal and doesn't get deleted.

this journal is going to slowly (or maybe not so slowly) become friends protected, and in fact, this will be my last entry here. it's for a lot of reasons that i need to stop blogging at this site. this decision comes with a lot of heartache as this has been my most consistent blog home since i began blogging, and because so much of my life is invested in this site. but it's time for me to move on and to create a new space for myself. so i am protecting most of the entries that remain here, and i am moving on to a new journal. if you would like to continue to accompany me on my journey than please either email me at: divinemaddness at gmail dot com, or leave a comment here with your email address so i can contact you with my new blog address. i definitely want to continue on with the community that i have found here, just in a new space.

thank you all for reading and for being so encouraging.

hope to catch you on the flip side!

last night i had a dream (in the short bit of time i was actually able to sleep) that i was with my great grandmother and she was dying. and i told a friend that appeared in the dream: i know the time is coming: the wall between the worlds is thin.

got word today from union that i have been accepted!!! woo hoo!!!! i am very, very excited about going to union.

now i am also very tired and so i must go to bed. this bar training is going to kick my ass. i can just tell.

hopefully i'll have time to write more tomorrow before i go to work.

i was reading a blog today written by a queer christian and he said something that really moved me and i though i would share it here.

"I don't need to fight for my right to be at the Lord's table. I already am. He invited me. He has also told me to go and invite others to the banquet."

that was just really meaningful to me. and then i read the newest post at http://www.reallivepreacher.com and that moved me as well.

i am thankful for these voices.

today i watched the documentary "no day but today" that was included as a special feature on the RENT dvd. i cried. then i finished reading anthony rapp's memoir (he played Mark in RENT) and i cried more.

where the hell are all of these tears coming from? i feel so raw today and so unsettled and i have no idea why. i wonder where these tears continue to come from and when they will stop. and i wonder if maybe there's something that i should be grieving that instead i am just shoving done. and i have no idea.

i survived the weekend snow storm. my manager very kindly cut me as a day person on saturday and so i was able to get to steph's house before the roads started getting bad. it was quite a relief. we spent sunday lying around watching tv and reading with just a short romp in the snow and the required shoveling. i was bummed that we had to miss church, but hey, it snowed a lot. what're you gonna do?

tuesday night at work was INSANE. just so, so crazy. we were ridiculously busy. i worked a double that day: over ten hours. i made $175, though, so that rocked. but it was a long day. fortunately i had today off to recoup.

i mailed out my seminary application today so it is now out of my hands and in the hands of the office of admissions. i am feeling kind of numb about the whole thing. i am working so hard to not get my hopes up because so much is riding on my acceptance (especially in my own mind) and so i don't want to be disappointed if i don't get in. i wonder how long it takes them to make their decisions? fortunately i managed to get my application in even before the priority deadline, so that rocks.

i finally watched "hotel rwanda" tonight. i've been meaning to for ages but just couldn't psych myself up for it. tonight it was on showtime and i made the decision that i was going to sit there and watch it. first my critique: nick nolte sucks. other than that the movie was fantastic. it made me cry. there's this scene where the priest and the nuns are ushering in the people thinking they are all going to be saved and they start separating out the white people from the black people and it's just heartbreaking. and when the un officer tells the main character that he's worth nothing. that his people are worth nothing. i just don't understand racism. i don't understand genocide. i can't wrap my head around it at all.

the issues of social justice weigh on me these days but i don't know how to help. i mean what do i do? what do i have to offer? my white ass sitting in the middle of pennsylvania woods living with my mother. working to pay my bills and not having much left over. and really would throwing money at anything solve the problem? i want to go help but i don't have the time. or i tell myself that i don't have the time. maybe i just don't care enough. maybe my priorities are fucked up. but still i sit here not sure how to help.

at the moment i am taking a break from ripping my apartment apart and putting it back together again. i can never do things simply and just straighten up; nope i have to majorly clean and it takes forever and i poop out in the middle of it. that's where i'm at now. sick of cleaning but things aren't put back together yet. and i am going to steph's this weekend and don't want to leave it half done. so i need to finish it in the next couple of hours before i go to work tonight.

so they are calling for a huge storm tomorrow. figures. it always happens on saturday into sunday. it makes my drive to steph's treacherous and then cancels any plans we might have had. then it clears up so that i have to go back to work on monday. that sucks.

work took forever yesterday. i worked a swing and the day just drug on. i hate that. and it was slow which really sucked. i made okay money but nothing spectacular. at least it will be enough to pay a bill or two.

all right, back to cleaning. i may be back in a bit to procrastinate more. we'll see.

Buffy Congratulations! You scored 37 Stakes!

Congratulations, you're the hero. Too bad you did you're big heroic thing and got rewarded by going to heaven, when your friends ripped you out and into your coffin where you had to dig you're way out, but hey, they had all the right intentions.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender : You scored higher than 96% on Stakes

Link: The Once More With Feeling Test written by parker7906 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test